~MechanicalRage

*REAL MOOD SINCE THE EMOTICONS CONTINUE TO NOT WORK, IS *

Things are still not going right for me right now...
My computer is still fucked, my job blows, I seem to suck at everything I do...
And I hate myself for whining about it like this, and I almost want out.
...
but i've got to put this out there, just because it feels right somehow...
The thing is, I've been going through life recently thinking that I've just about hit bottom; in other words, if I hang on, and don't give up it will ger better.
I'm thinking of the memories of my past few years, and looking at photos and the like, trying to find something that I've accomplished, or some happy memory to inspire me.
I can't seem to find one.
It doesn't help that I have a tendency to throw out anything that causes me to become aggravated and feel helpless.
I have recently found a couple notebooks filled with doodles and sketches from when I was probably 14 or so, and they are incredibly good.
They're not professional or anything, but they are in a level far beyond me at current time.
I'm looking at these sketches and they're making me more depressed than before...
I keep thinking "if I could draw this well at one time, then why am I such a worthless piece of shit now?"
I'm not totally certain why I suck so much.
It likely has to do with my stopping drawing at one point after my girlfriend left me that year.
It hurt (clearly; if you don't think it does, your fucking stupid beyond a negative I.Q.) and so I stopped doing pretty much everything.
I put on a brave face for those close to me, and tried to laugh and be happy but it didn't come easily.
Then I started to be happy and draw again, up until my dad got sick.
Needless to say as it got worse (through several misdiagnoses and finally a lack of time) I lost all will to bother doing anything once more.
The stress of school started to hit me right after he left his mortal coil, and it broke me down.
I missed many days, at least half of them, and wound up at home many days trying to sleep away my life.
It finally got better and when I started drawing again, I realized that a friend of mine had a gallery on this site (though I didn't have the username, so I couldn't find it initially) and thought maybe I could get on here to get some unbiased comments and advice from some complete strangers.
It was great, and has been great.
I won't lie though, the sudden lack of support has hit me hard, as that was one thing that kept me trying to draw.
I wish I could be stronger about this, but my heart breaks far easier than my freakish form.
I think I'm going to take a break from DA for however long it takes.
I may still check in to see what others are doing, but I won't be around often.
Work has taken over my life, it seems, as all I do 5 days a week is get up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. (late nights recently, fucking manager...)
I've posted this before too, i think, but my sanity is falling apart like wet tissue paper.
I can feel this, and it is intrusive and focus stealing as well.
I'm losing what little of myself I found to these things and it is very difficult.
I still hope to get my computer running again so that I can finish contest entry, but that doesn't seem like it will happen in the near future.
If you want to talk, I'm on AIM still on occasion, but I'm fast losing interest in that as well (only 1 friend is ever on when I get on, so it's kinda pointless)
Again, I'm sorry everyone, but you and numerous other factors have broken my heart and my mind, and I need to take some time to recover.
I hope to come back eventually, if only to submit that one thing.
....
I'm also sorry for this obscenely long whining session; but, as I said above, it had to come out.
The rest of you do terrific work, and I still look forward to seeing it, so please keep it up.